Monday, March 30, 2015

The Shame Game

This weekend, I did something I thought I would never do.
I deleted a published post from this blog.
 
 
The reason? I was embarrassed.
 
When I started this blog, I really wanted to not hold back. I wanted to show my journey as a rider, warts and all. I try to be really honest with myself about my shortcomings.
I really wanted to be the voice that other people who struggled, and who were not perfect, could connect with.
 
But putting it out there on video for the world to see was just too hard.
I chickened out and took it down.
 
There was some of this:
 
 
A little of this:
 
 
 
A sprinkle of this:
 
 
 
And a whole lot of this:
 
 
 
And... I just couldn't do it. It was just too ugly.
I was ashamed, and I took it down.
 
I wasn't afraid of the comments. There really isn't much anyone could say that could be worse than some of the things I have said to myself. I am my own harshest critic.
But having it up there in real time for the world to see was harder than I could do.
 
And so, you'll just have to take my word for it. We struggle. And we have improved.
The walk and trot have improved. The canter continues to be an issue.
But one day, I will have something I am comfortable showing to the world.
 
Just not right now.
 
 
 
 


19 comments:

  1. it's very brave to put yourself out there. truly. I hope you didn't mind my comments. I couldn't see any real glaring faults in your riding. Honest. I think that it must be coming from somewhere else.

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    1. Thanks Teresa! I didn't mind your comments at all! I appreciate all of your comments on my posts. I just was embarrassed of how crappy it looked. I guess I found my threshold for comfort with sharing on the internet. I'm not as brave as I thought I was!

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  2. I saw the post. And even watched the videos (which I never do) and I was too busy to leave a comment. And then when I came back to leave a comment, the post was gone.

    Really. It wasn't that bad.

    It wasn't.

    You weren't hurting your horse and he wasn't being unreasonable. It was just a green-ish horse who needs miles with an ammy rider up.

    I'd agree with both your pro opinions--Boca needs to learn to canter under saddle and he also needs to be a lot stronger. I'd keep riding at the walk and trot to build muscle. I'd start lunging in side reins or a pessoa or something to teach him how to carry himself better.

    And after a couple weeks of that, I'd start getting some pro rides.

    He wasn't dirty or mean. You weren't overreacting or bad. It's just a thing that needs work. You'll get there.

    And if in a month or two, he hasn't drastically improved, I'd look into some bodywork/chiro/something.

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    1. Thank you!!! I really appreciate that you took the time to watch the videos (I know I don't always do that either).

      Also, thank you for taking the time to comment. I really appreciate your feedback above. You were thorough, honest and very fair. It actually made me feel a lot better!

      Maybe there is hope for us after all ;)

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    2. Agree with this totally, I watched the videos as well and was going to come back and comment he just looks green and needs a little strength...just like my girl :) You're doing great!

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  3. I didn't see the clips this weekend, but as someone who also judges themselves harshly, I understand. Hugs, keep your chin up!

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    1. Thanks for the support! It IS hard to be one's own judge and jury!

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  4. It's really hard to put yourself out there, and if you're not comfortable with it right now that's perfectly okay. Hang in there, struggles are perfectly okay :)

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    1. I was really caught off guard by how hard it really is to put yourself out there! I wasn't as brave as I thought I was.

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  5. It's hard to put yourself out there. When you read a blog through a feed service (like feedly), the post will stay regardless if you delete it or not. So I read the post and saw the videos, but couldn't comment since you had already deleted it.

    I'd get a pro on him. Like others said, it really wasn't that bad. It's easy to watch the video and tell you "Do X and X" but I know that the reality is it's really hard to do all of those things when you're trying ot keep your horse going who wants to break AND sit bucks! Hang in there. You're doing a great job.

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    1. Haha! That is good to know, in case I ever have another post that I decide to delete at the last minute!

      I think, like Aimee mentioned above, I am going to give him a few weeks to build up his fitness w/t under saddle, and get him stronger in the canter on the longe, then put a pro on him.

      Thank you for the kind words - they mean a lot!

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  6. Okay so any girl who affectionately refers to herself as a "Floppy Ammy" clearly has a good sense of humor and isn't taking life too seriously, so you're allowed to delete stuff or decline to post stuff that's a little less than pretty right now. Your position in the stills actually looks good even when he's bouncing around underneath you so I think you're doing alright. Hope you guys work this out!

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    1. Thank you Marissa! I try to have a sense of humor about myself, and also be honest about what who and what I am.

      As an ammy, it is difficult to know how much is him, how much is me, etc. I was never much of an athlete, so timing and coordination aren't inherent skills of mine.

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  7. I didn't see the video, but I would just like to say that I would never judge you on riding abilities. I ride a majestic fire breathing mule beast that doesn't like outside input. There's nothing you and Boca could ever do that would make me frown down on you. ;)

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    1. Thank you Carly! I enjoy reading about your majestic fire breathing mule beast and I really admire how far you have come with him. It looks damn good to me.

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  8. It's your blog and 100% your choice to post (or delete as the case may be) what you feel best about. I saw the post but sadly didn't manage to watch the video. But from the a tills above your doing so much better than me!
    We truly are our own harshest critics, sometimes sharing things on the blogosphere allows others to see the positives we miss while concentrating on the faults we see - we miss the good that is also happening. Although maybe that is just me...
    Best of luck help Boca muscle up and canter - baby steps and progress here & there and you guys will be rocking it before you know it. ☺

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    1. Thank you Aoife! I am seriously touched by how kind, supportive and helpful everyone has been in their comments. it really is the best side of the blogosphere :)

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  9. So after I saw Lauren's comment and knew the videos would be on my feed, I watched them, even though I know you took them down. I was really curious to see what you thought was so horrible about them.

    From the little I've read of your journey with Boca, and where you are at now, I think you should be very proud. I think you should be proud of the way you rode him -- quiet, steady, and firm -- and I think you should be even more proud of the progress the two of you have made since then. However, I totally support you taking the post down. Do what you gotta do for yourself!

    I am very much looking forward to seeing your continued progress.with Boca. Seriously. I hope to see some new canter video soon!

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  10. it's your blog and you get to decide what content you want to share - no shame in changing your mind about that either.

    all the same tho - wishing you both the best of luck in getting back on the same page together. like the others said, it's totally doable and sounds like you've got a good plan for getting there!

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