Thursday, August 18, 2016

Where Do I Go From Here?

The short answer is - I don't know.


The past few weeks, I have been letting Boca just be a horse, and practicing a form of benign neglect. Now that he is on full board and I know that he is being taken care of, I have been pretty absent from the barn. In fact, I haven't been there since Saturday, which is unusual for me. When my mom asked me if I have been riding him, the answer is no. The reason is, it is just too hard. I don't want to question my decision or start the random carousel of thoughts back up in my head. I know on one level, I am trying to start the process of detaching, to make it easier to comprehend that we aren't going to be a team anymore.

People have asked me a number of questions -
Are you going to still take lessons? Are you going to lease? The answer is no.

No, I do not want to take lessons. No, I do not want to lease. I have been there before. I leased and lessoned for years before buying Boca. And I don't want to. I don't want to share. Call me an only child, but I've been there, done that, have the T-shirt. And I'm not interested in doing it again.

Will I get another horse?
Yes. At some point. I just don't know if that point is going to be sooner or later.

If I wanted to get a horse right now, my budget would be really, really small. Like tiny. Like straight off the track OTTB or OTSB. If the right horse came along, I would do it. But it would have to be the right one.

Or, I can take a break for 6 months, save every penny, and have a decent budget to work with in the spring, one that would give me more options. But that means I have to get through the next 6-8 months sans horses and somehow stay sane.

I alternate between feverishly searching online sales ads and floating in a state of numbness and mild depression. I am making it through every day, but not well. Beautiful sunny days hurt me. They are a reminder of all the riding time I am losing, losing, losing, as days pass.

I am trying to wait, be still, let the right answers come. But it is hard.

If you need me, I'll be over here, cuddling my puppy.


16 comments:

  1. I sympathize. Sans horse is extremely difficult. Especially when it chews ones brain apart. Best of luck during the wait.

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  2. I was lucky enough to do a very, very partial "lease" (really, just pay per ride) for a few years after my first horse passed. I needed time before I was ready for another horse, and looking back, I'm really glad I took the time I needed on so many levels.

    Each situation is different (obvi Boca is still around and happy) and each person is different, but taking some time to figure out what you want I think is a good idea. And as always, there are lots of us here for you!

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  3. I totally understand what you are doing and how you might feel lost at the moment.
    Take some time to grieve. If you were closer you could have access to Irish to ride. :) but that might be an option for you there. but there's no hurry to make the decisino today. ((((hugs))))

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  4. I totally understand what you are doing and how you might feel lost at the moment.
    Take some time to grieve. If you were closer you could have access to Irish to ride. :) but that might be an option for you there. but there's no hurry to make the decisino today. ((((hugs))))

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  5. I totally understand what you are doing and how you might feel lost at the moment.
    Take some time to grieve. If you were closer you could have access to Irish to ride. :) but that might be an option for you there. but there's no hurry to make the decisino today. ((((hugs))))

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  6. Sans horse is tough. Things have a way of popping up at the right time. *hugs*

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  7. i'm sorry Shauna. i know in some small way how you're feeling about not wanting to go to the barn, not wanting to be around Boca, bc that's how i feel about my mare right now too (granted, for different reasons). it's just too hard and i need those feelings to settle.

    mostly, for my own sake, i'm trying not to let my hard feelings close any doors that could potentially lead to interesting places. i'm trying to say "yes" to opportunities even if i feel kinda bitter about it. mostly tho, i'm just trying to follow my own gut instincts about the path forward, and agree with your decision to trust your own judgment. wishing you luck and clarity!

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  8. Lots of good advice here. :-) Take whatever time you need and make the choices that make sense for you. You're the one living your life and you don't owe an explanation to anyone.

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    1. This!
      Said much better than anything I could ever put into words but exactly what I had hoped to say!
      *hugs*

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  9. I'm sorry things have not gone at all according to plan, fingers crossed the right situation presents itself at the right time, sounds like you are overdue for some good luck! I'm wishing Boca a very happy retirement, as well :)

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  10. So apparently my advice is so good it has to be posted 3 times! I have no idea what I did so I'm blaming Internet gremlins. They're real.

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  11. So apparently my advice is so good it has to be posted 3 times! I have no idea what I did so I'm blaming Internet gremlins. They're real.

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  12. What a cute puppy to cuddle tho!

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  13. Cuddle your puppy. Take a break, and when it's meant to the right situation/horse will come along.

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  14. Oh man :( Sending hugs. A year and half ago Apollo wasn't sound and my husband just got laid off (so I was too broke to have my young horses trained/to take lessons). I was so completely miserable. I almost quit horses. But I'm glad I didn't, because now things are totally different. Hang in there! You are due for some good karma.

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  15. ok so i keep reading and rereading your latest comment and am on pins and needles, thinking "omg but what could it possibly mean?!?!?! who could it possibly beeeee?!?!!?" and obviously now i want to know everything lol. so uh. if you're into things like spilling the beans, i'm always eager at fraidycat (dot) eventing at gmail. of course i can be patient and wait for like, official formal news or whatever... but just sayin!

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