The short answer is - I don't know.
The past few weeks, I have been letting Boca just be a horse, and practicing a form of benign neglect. Now that he is on full board and I know that he is being taken care of, I have been pretty absent from the barn. In fact, I haven't been there since Saturday, which is unusual for me. When my mom asked me if I have been riding him, the answer is no. The reason is, it is just too hard. I don't want to question my decision or start the random carousel of thoughts back up in my head. I know on one level, I am trying to start the process of detaching, to make it easier to comprehend that we aren't going to be a team anymore.
People have asked me a number of questions -
Are you going to still take lessons? Are you going to lease? The answer is no.
No, I do not want to take lessons. No, I do not want to lease. I have been there before. I leased and lessoned for years before buying Boca. And I don't want to. I don't want to share. Call me an only child, but I've been there, done that, have the T-shirt. And I'm not interested in doing it again.
Will I get another horse?
Yes. At some point. I just don't know if that point is going to be sooner or later.
If I wanted to get a horse right now, my budget would be really, really small. Like tiny. Like straight off the track OTTB or OTSB. If the right horse came along, I would do it. But it would have to be the right one.
Or, I can take a break for 6 months, save every penny, and have a decent budget to work with in the spring, one that would give me more options. But that means I have to get through the next 6-8 months sans horses and somehow stay sane.
I alternate between feverishly searching online sales ads and floating in a state of numbness and mild depression. I am making it through every day, but not well. Beautiful sunny days hurt me. They are a reminder of all the riding time I am losing, losing, losing, as days pass.
I am trying to wait, be still, let the right answers come. But it is hard.
If you need me, I'll be over here, cuddling my puppy.